late night rambles

its been several months or so since i posted anything here.Thats pretty bad i know.

Lockdown is crazy and it's quite scary as well everytime you watch the news. But theres somewhat of a positive about it,its given me a lot of time to think, about a lot of things.

Hopefully this september ill be at the university of huddersfield doing music journalism which has been my dream for the past two years.Its both a nice and scary thought,ill be doing something i love but ill be far away from my family,the beautiful city i grew up in and a music scene and music family that ive been lucky to be part of even just simply in the background. One of the things that has really weighed on my mind is, how will i manage on my own? and thats because i don't think i can really say i have recently.

Since around september 2019 ive struggled a lot with both my blogging and college work,i had spent all summer writing,reviewing and photographing and i know i don't have to,its a hobby, but i wanted to do it alongside NCS and other comittments and very quickly i found myself burnt out. By the time i got back to college excited for my final year,i was exhausted, but i knew being in the same class as last year would help me until i found out that wasn't the case,i was going to be in a different class who were all already bonded leaving me a bit in the dust. I would say it affected me heavily,i felt lost and because of that i just started working on projects all the time along side all the gigs i had planned to shoot and review.I know now that was not the way to do it,both works suffered a lot.

i didn't sleep great,i would and still sometimes stay up past midnight doing work.I was so demotivated as i had tasked myself so much to do and i wasn't socialising as much due to a rising fear of not being good enough as i started to fail projects and began comparing myself more than before and let me tell you it is sucky and i hated it so much.I became so anxious writing and photographing shows during this time,'i doubt theyll like it' became a constant replay in my mind and its still current now if im honest.

I love music with all my heart and always will but i had been forcing myself to keep doing it in the hopes it would keep the creative spark going but it only fizzled it quicker over time.

I was scared to tell people because it would be a case of 'it will pass' or 'just stop' I didn't want to be one of those people who gives up so i kept working no matter the amount of tears i cried and tired mornings i had when i woke up. If i was like this just doing college work how would i be at University?

im getting better now,focusing on one thing at a time with college a priority as i need that grade for university,i know this post is random but i feel i needed to get this off my chest,i don't want other people to feel like this,to feel so lost in something they love that they begin to burn out,i started as a bright 16 year old reviewing gigs and later on photographing them and thats led me to some amazing people, im growing that spirit back.

Please don't let your spirit burn out,don't take too much on yourself,and if you are struggling talk to people,talk to others in the industry,im lucky to know some incredible people thanks to social media that ive been able to talk to recently such as Girlonfilm and Jade Tideswell as well as been lucky to have music to turn to as a bit of a coping mechanism, which in my worst moments have helped me such as Larkins,Sylvette and my all-time favourite Gary Numan just to name a few as well as fan groups. (Midnight squad if ya'll read this i love you all so incredibly much x)

Please all stay safe and as well as you can and stay home! it can not only save lives but also put a lot of things in perspective x

Thank you to everyone who has stuck around and the things i have put out recently on both this blog and Social media (@thegirlfullofreviews)

My inbox is open if anyone wants to talk x

Love you all, Jessica Draper-Mann